Life. Huh?

So I have not written a long long time and now I am so full - not just with things I want to write about but I am so done and full with life. I feel and think everything is overrated.

This post is not intended to gather your attention or encourage you to empathize or sympathize with me. Actually, in my current state of existence I don't even know why or what I want to achieve out of writing this. But, I do feel this unstoppable urge to just pour my mind in words. And I do know that writing this makes me vulnerable.

For the last few years I feel everything has been happening in a daze. Like, I am in an express train - passing trees, buildings, people's faces seem to stretch and suddenly disappear, everything is just passing me by, like life is passing by and taking a tiny part of my soul with it each time. Like my essence is getting lost. I can't seem to get a grip on it. I don't know where the train is headed to. I don't know who is driving it. Like a fool, I am just sitting in the train and watching everything go by, wanting it to stop, wanting to scream to make it stop. Sitting in the train I make plans of making it stop, of appreciating what I see, of being a part of the journey. I try to soak it in, to make sense of it and I fail miserably. My insides churn not with physical pain but with sheer enormity of it all. All I want is the train to stop. To let me get off it. To let me stand and stare.


But, it chugs along. Like I don't exist. I don't matter.
Like I am just one of those thousands of leaves that are shed by trees each autumn. And when the new season will come I will be forgotten. Not that it scares me, the thought of being forgotten what scares me is not being a part of some thing. Of not belonging.

May be I am just messed up. Totally messed up and entangled within the complex strands of life. The more I try to untangle myself, the more tangled I become. Which freaks me out even more. So I sit in the tangled strands of my messed up life, hoping, yes still, hoping the train would somehow stop and this web of life would make sense.