The Four Lettered Word

" Through Love, I tasted the spirit of life
Curing one pain, it yielded yet another one"
~ Mirza Ghalib

The truth. Love hurts.
The truth. Love heals.

Exactly how much, in what measure, what time, where,when - all unknown.
There are pointers every where.
Road signs.
Driving directions.
Danger signs.
How to use directions.
Dosage.

But there is no dosage for love. At least none explicitly specified. No sign or warning that beyond this it hurts . Or beyond this it heals.
How does one know?
How does one know when to stop?
How does one know when to reboot?

When I was not in love I was looking for some thing. Some thing strong. A central core to my existence. Now when I am in love correction madly in love I look around, I look within, I stand out side and peep inside. Some times I fall, I cry, I trip and I realise there ain't no directions or signs cause its a journey that I trace with my head and my heart and some times my soul to lead me to that one moment that makes it all worthwhile. That's when I know that I cross the hurt and enter the heal.

August 15

There is a first time for everything.
For the first time in my 23 year old life I am working on Independence Day.
And strangely enough I realise it's value much more today than any other time.

Happy Independence Day to all Indians Worldwide.

My First crush

Ok..
I wake up at quarter past six in the chilly winter morning.. yes winter.. i live in the southern hemisphere.. way down under :)

I saw some thing this morning.. not good or bad.. just some thing..

I saw a public display of rather passionate affection between two females.
I don't think it was strange or weird. I would say it's different.

I just continued walking at my pace but my thoughts had quickened their pace...

And after about 5 minutes my thoughts drifted to the first time my cheeks turned pink because of the blush of the presence of some one.... till now he is the only one I have met.. well we did not exactly meet we were present in the same room.. and many such rooms later but I never could utter a word.. which is very unusual for me..

he was a year senior.. in a different school.. but his aunt was my mum's designer at that time.. it was on one such very embarrassing measurement session ( my eldest cousin was getting married and after a lot persuasion.. I had finally given to the thought of wearing some thing indian) that i had seen him... just glanced at him.. i felt like a fool with the measuring tape all around me and the lady telling my mum that i need some fat on my bones..

After that I saw him a couple of times .. as we lived in the same area.. he lived a few blocks away.. A few years later we spoke and it was nice talking to the guy who made me realise what it is like to go weak in the knees .. :)

My .....I turn 50 list..

Here is the list of the things that I'd like to do by the time I am 50 years ..
They are not in the order of preference.. just jotted.. randomly..

1. Travel to Antarctica
   
2. MS
3. PhD
4. Love some one truly
5. Be loved back truly
6. Be friends with some who speaks Hispanic
7. Live in New York for a while
8. Learn how to ski
9. Write a book
10. Learn at least 2 languages other than Hindi/English
11. Live on a beach facing house
    
12. Travel to Egypt, Africa and Turkey
13. Travel Europe
14. Witness a miracle
15. Feel free.. really free
16. Learn to play at least one instrument
17. Learn calligraphy
18. Read Marcel Proust
19. Gift my dad a car
20. Get a tattoo
21. Feel the bliss
22. Drive in a RV along the Great Ocean Road
23. See the Coral Reef
    

this list is work in progress.. and some of them have already been fulfilled..

The Garden of Eden

I miss the garden of eden. The garden where adam and eve walked their first steps. Where they tasted the forbidden fruit. Where they met and loved. Where they existed and became eternal.

All I see as far as I can see is snow. White.Pale.Cold.Lonely.
There is Ice. Hard.
There is Ice that does not thaw.

You can run and walk on ice and mould it into shapes.But rigid and stubborn it remains.It does not budge.It does not give any room. It freezes in crevices.

I miss the spring where I saw the sunlight trapped in your hair. I miss the curve of your lashes and the way they half cover your eyes.
I miss the warmth.I long for a look from those half open eyes, that light up at my sight.

I wish the winter gets over before the frost gets to the root and kills it all.
I wish for love.

Some times...

I feel like I am living in a dream. I feel I will wake up and my real life will start.
I know that its not a dream.I know that this is my real life.I know I am here now but still I cant help but feel this is not my real life.

Some times I think I think a lot. I feel each time a stone comes under my feet. Why now? Why me?
Why here? But I know that are others who get just a rocky terrain. But I still feel it.

I see all the people making merry. Some times I feel envious. Some times I feel happy for their happiness and remember the times when I were. And then I think, that there might have been times when my merriness attracted envy.

may be i just think too much. but i don't know how to think less.

I turn a Happy One

02/07/07 ..

I started my career in the IT industry.. and today I complete a year.
Sitting here in my office.. I think of a number of things, incidents and lessons learnt and lessons not learnt..

I have had a rather eventful year...

My mum and I came to Bangalore to look for a house for myself.. a week before my joining date.. and we looked and looked and looked.. till we found the perfect apartment.. A single studio kind of a room in Cambridge layout, brand new apartment, wood work, walkable from the market etc etc...

I was as elated as I could be..
But as the Murphy law goes... "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way" [Source: wikipedia]
The landowner gave the apartment to some one else.. reasons i never found out..
And the search continued..
So I moved in a new apartment, all the above except that I was to share it with some one as it was a 2 BHK... I got the apartment.. and after a lot of contemplation from a list three eligible faltmates ... picked one.. and we moved in..

It was nice and fun.. Then came the painful part.. "COOKING"...

The first thing I made was khichdi.. with the help of the best neighbours one could ever ask for... Neha and Ashish.. always ready to get disturbed, be it night or day.. for one tamatar, one aloo etc etc... and patient ear when you want to just blurt.. ( I really miss them both)

I remember .. clearly.. buying my first cooker. I had gone with my aunt to pick one.. She's telling me to pick one.. and I am like its all the same.. I had no clue. . that there are different handles and shapes.. all i knew was they come in different sizes.. it was really tough...

Then I got my shiny first cooker, Miss Mary by Hawkins, for 2 litres...
and I placed it in my purple tile, green granite floored kitchen.. like a prize..

I actually did a lil dance when the cooker.. gave its first whistle.. :)

After a lot of practice and wierd tastig food, I learnt to cook.. in about 2 months...By September.. I was actually doing what you call "experimenting with cooking" !!

And professionally, I was on an all time low.. I got a stream I detested.. I was falling to pieces, in an alien city, with not a soul to trust.. it was getting very difficult.. It than dawned on me, that this is real life.. This is what they call the IT industry..
I did not give up.. i was looking for jobs left right and centre.. but nothing came along .. that perfectly fit, or atleast perfectly fit..

First week, September I got a project, the largest project, my ex company had..
I got a very nice manager, trust me they are a rare species but the concept of a nice manager exists!!!!

There was the usual office sutff .. i dont want to mention..

I learnt and re learnt and unlearnt.. All in all it was fulfilling.. and looking back, at the year that was, I realise in my 8 months at Accenture, Bangalore.. I grew much more than I grew in all years combined..


So here, I am turning a happy one... :)

To point or not to point.. Is the point...

A couple of days back I was talking to a friend..
I was telling him about a movie I watched.. The movie is named " Hello Sister,Good bye Life".

The movie had nothing great except that when I was flicking channels I saw this really really cute guy and I continued to watch the movie.

Coming back to where I started from, I was just telling my friend about the movie. I started describing the plot. And how the story evolved, when suddenly he pops up saying .. Does all of this have a point?

And I never realised that I was just talking, telling him about my day and a not-so-great movie that I watched. I did not think whether there was a point or not. I was just talking. Simply.

I then said, " Why does there have to be a point? Why cant we just talk"
To which he replied, "Because there has to be a point toeverything. Other wise there's no point in anything"
" Why?? Why can't things be abstract?Why do they have to be specific? Why do we want there to be a point in whatever we want to do?"

To which we kept talking and tossing things back and forth for a few minutes and then changed the topic.

I write this to understand,as my question still remains unanswered, about why does there have to be a point to everything???

It has to be rational to an extent, I understand but I dont understand the concept of the point.

Hoping some of you can shed some light.

The Abyss

Some where within
so lost I am
Where I see and hear
not a passing soul
All I feel is this force
That pulls and tugs at me
from deep within to ..The Abyss .. Unknown

It makes me feel
so weak within
so frail
so pale
so lost ... within ..The Abyss .. Unknown

It's dark and cold
some where within
all black
no mist
no fog
no rain
no smile
no tear
no fear
no thought
just a stabbing pain ... within ...The Abyss ...Unknown

Yet some times
I feel a flutter a within
that proves to me
some where beyond
lies a place
that will define me bliss... beyond .. The Abyss... Unknown.